I’m an asshole. There.
I’ve said it.
Sometimes we just have to come to grips with who we are. I’m seventy-five years old and
have had ample time to practice my asshole-ness.
You can see people muttering the word when they see
me practicing my “special skills”; a) Howling imprecations at anyone caught
crying in a television interview (I am amazed at the number of people who can
cry AND talk at the same time) b) Refusing to bow my head for anything, save,
perhaps, a moment to remember the war dead and c) Holding my arms akimbo when
encountering a phalanx of joggers on the trail and watching them scatter (they
don’t like sharing the trail and expect anyone they meet to step off the path
until they pass, rude bastards), d) Laughing at a politician’s patriotism
speech and e) Telling sales reps of all types to “take a hike” before they’re
halfway through their smarmy spiels.
It gets worse. Quite often – too often, some say –
when I am surprised by something, my response is ‘What the fuck?’
Loudly. It never fails to
gain attention in a place like Costco or Safeway (precipitated perhaps by the
price of cheese in a country awash in dairy products. But it could be anything
really. I’m dismayed by a great many
things). I tell myself I am so
ill-mannered due to the neuropathy in my hands which leads to many unexpected
and unhappy mishaps but it’s really because I am an asshole who doesn’t care
much about what people think and is very cynical about the state of mankind. And, I submit, my expletive is no worse
to a listener’s ears than hearing “I’m a
proud Chamber of Commerce member” or “Can
I give you a testament to what Jesus said?” or “What a wonderful reality TV show!” or “Our insurance company really
cares.”
I’m particularly aggrieved by government and
corporate misbehavior. I’m no tea
partyer but I cannot tolerate any government organization that defaults on its
purpose and focuses instead on itself and not the people it was meant to
serve. But government is not the
real bad guy when it comes to abusing people. The corporate shitheads that run
our lives would have us believe that Big Government is THE problem but Big
Corporations are far more insidious when it comes to robbing people of their
rights, their wealth, and their opportunities. The truth (aah, there’s a concept) is that any organization
that gets too big, too powerful, and too set in its ways is, by definition, corrupt
and deserving of sudden dismantling.
I love free enterprise but mega-corporations no longer have any
connection with a healthy business climate – if you don’t believe me, check
your local shopping mall and tell me how many local businesses are in
there. If you’re lucky,
maybe three. If I had to choose,
I’d take Big Government over Big Corporation. Both lie egregiously and thrive
on insane rules but government does it because they think you’re not listening
while corporations do it because they think you’re stupid and their lies and
rules will help profits. At least with the former I have the illusion I have a
role in controlling it. The Big
Corporation, however, is not my friend and never will be.
I wasn’t always a confessed asshole (Although I’m
sure there is a small legion of people who found it easy over the years to
associate the word with moi). No, I grew up bending over backwards to
accommodate people, always giving them the benefit of the doubt and attributing
the best of motives to everyone’s actions. My generosity of spirit made the
Dalai Lama look like Archie Bunker.
However, it eventually dawned on me that this was a
thankless and painful way to live, that the vast majority of people simply
interpreted my warm understanding as a potentially fatal mental deficiency. At roughly the same time I realized my
Hollywood notions of right and wrong and good and evil were childishly
simplistic, if difficult to discard.
I gave all that up to join a
discouragingly small number of earthlings who devote their lives to keeping
barbarians from the gates, as it were. Those barbarians come from all ends of
the economic, social, and political spectra, their ranks filled with the
assiduously stupid, the amoral right wing, and the loutish rich (of whom St
Aubyn once said ‘too often they are the shrill pea in the whistle of their
possessions’).
One might think that with a mindset like that I
would assume a stoical demeanor, practicing forbearance and levelling baleful
looks of dismay. No, I fight
back with my asshole-ness. Being an asshole means you are aware other people
see you that way but this is set against your perception of the vast majority
of them being barbaric, self-absorbed dolts. From this, you can understand why my behavior is so much
more satisfying than forbearance.
But being an asshole goes deeper. My finely-honed cynicism works deeply,
creating clear lines of distinction between positive and negative influences in
my life. It’s just that I can
switch from one to the other with startling speed. The positive, for me, consists of “the small” – as in small pleasures, unassuming people who ask
questions, small groups of friends, and small victories. Oh, I tell myself I still care
about people even if I don’t spend much time showing it – no volunteer work, no
reaching out, and only rarely moved by the endless emotional drivel that
parades shamelessly through every news broadcast. My family
seems to tolerate my profanity and cynicism, undoubtedly inured by so many
years of the old man lashing out at real and perceived injustices, tempered
always by my love for them.
So you can see I am not without caring. If an elderly woman drops her
cane, do I reach down to retrieve it? Of course I do. If someone slips and falls, do I offer a hand to
lift them up? Without
question. If a toddler
topples his mommy into a rack of grapefruit after she slaps him in public, do I
help her to her feet? Hah! I play
boxing referee and raise the kid’s arm in the air. If a beleaguered motorist needs to change lanes in busy
traffic, do I slow to let him in? I dare say I am well known for such
consideration. Do I
curse the same driver when he blithely ignores my generosity? Roundly. Now this particular shithead
represents ALL that is wrong with society today – entitlement, self-absorption,
poor foresight, and stupidity.
The switch from benign to malign was seamless – and sudden.
But it is the negative that occupies too much of my
thoughts, sad to say. In my
advanced years, I still can’t fathom why we’re unable to achieve any sort of
cooperative society (discounting the remote possibility I am one of the reasons). Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s,
I thought society was making progress – and I think we were. But then the Reagan years appeared and,
since then, we’ve slipped back into a cruel capitalistic world discouragingly
similar to the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. The rich, the politicians, the courts, and the
banks hold sway in the name of wealth and property and the populace is kept
quiet with the numbing bullshit of television and the media. Public debate is nothing but a shrill
exchange of meaningless distinctions having nothing to do with real
issues. Barbarians at the gates? You betcha.
So, unless someone can demonstrate to me that
they’re not part of this socio-economic-political sewer, chances are they’ll
see my asshole persona. It’s obvious I’ve capitulated to the Rude Side and I
acknowledge this. I’ve become what
I once deplored. Still, there’s a modicum of
hope lurking in these curmudgeonly bones. Maybe I’ve just been running into an abnormal glut of
people whose batting average of humanity lies somewhere below the Mendoza
line. Unfortunately, every
time my Pollyanna soul peeks out to test the winds, a gust of mindless greed
sends it scuttling back inside.
One of these days I’m going to be pleasantly
surprised when a Walt Disney-ish scenario of some sort comes alive in my
community and everyone dances with a collective joy. But at seventy-five, it had better hurry. And, either way, I won’t recant. I may smile and pat everyone on the
back, but I’ll be watching. That’s
what assholes do.
Robert Alan
Davidson
June, 2016
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