So George Bush has raised 100 million dollars for his presidential library. This so underlines the insanity of the modern economy that I am tempted to a) rob a bank, b) use the money to buy George's donor list and c) ask these wretched dupes if they wouldn't mind funding my latest pet project - a perpetual motion machine (it involves infinite gear reductins, neutrinos, gravity, and four teams of oxen). 2 billion dollars ought to do it.
Or perhaps I might use this list to track these donors down where they live and simply follow them around for a day or two, confident that anyone that careless with their money will surely be leaving a trail of unneeded $100 bills. Such folly has not been witnessed in this world since, . . . . .well, I guess it hasn't been that long,. . . . hint, hint, Madoff investors.
A huge question arises. Assuming such a library is built, what would they fill it with?
We've been told that Dubya's reading habits are nothing if not desultory and we have no trouble believing that. Still, rumor has it he still possesses the first book he was given at the tender age of 17, 'Little Black Sambo'. Told later that it was a most politically incorrect tome, he is said to have replied, 'But it was a gift from my greaser nanny!'
Bush has announced some of the volumes he will be donating adding that each one is made of paper. The list includes:
1) Crawford phone directory - 1979 through 1985
2) Men to Admire Series, volume 22, Peewee Herman
3) Dick and Jane Look For The G-spot
4) Rand McNally 'Backroads of El Paso'.
5) White Trash Cookbook
6) Hilroy Exercise Book (Lined) - 1 entry, dated Sept. 2, 1965 'Holy Sh - -, I'm
tired already .. . '
7) Your New Amana Refrigerator User Guide
8) Hekyll and Jekyll Fly to Poughkeepsie
9) The Wit and Wisdom of Gilligan
10) Dick Cheney's "Better to Blow Out The Candle AND Curse The Darkness"
Questions have arisen about the library's pretensions to mainstream bibliography. Bush spokesmen are adamant it will be no different from, say, the Bonner's Ferry General Library. Said one: "Patrons can borrow a book for two weeks. Any longer and a 10-cent-a-day fine kicks in. Run up too high a fine and we confiscate your passport and introduce you to a bench and a pail of water."
The library will have special sections for Dubya's favorite subjects: The History and Value of Wiretapping, The Ignoring of Civil Rights, Fourth Grade Spelling, and How to Conduct a Press Conference While Waving and Walking.
Finally, the ex-President hoped that history would judge him kindly but that 'it didn't really matter because I don't plan to read any books or papers anyway. I plan to spend MY retirement standing around looking stupid. I'm good at it, you know.'
So say we all.
