Canadian Politics

So what about Canada? All the buzz and excitment of Obama's inauguration has completely eclipsed the Canuck political scene. Grade 11 students at Sudbury's What-This-Country-Needs-Is-A-Good-Nickel-Cigar High School were asked recently to name the Canadian Prime Minister. 32% said Ron McLean, 24% said they didn't know, 10% asked to be excused to attend to their beaver pelts, and rest offered up a variety of incorrect answers, including Robert Mugabe, David Beckham, Alan Greenspan, Valerie Pringle, and Sir Edmund Hillary. A surprising number (4) thought it was Delbert Feeney, a scallop-monger from Antigonish, resulting in 3 Ph.D candidates filing requests for grants to ascertain why. These students were considered representative, not only of the youth of Canada, but of the Senate, the Conference Board of Canada, all Rotary Clubs, and the Al Qaeda chapter in Helsinki.

Obviously, this is not a healthy situation. Canada has pretensions to becoming a practicing democracy and to have this kind of desultory attention paid to what might someday be an important station in Canadian political life, is, in words of the noted political analyst and hockey colorman, Danny Kumquat, a 'load of real discouraging moose turds'. Kumquat, recently appointed as honorary chair of the political science department at Slippery Otter School for the Intellectually Challenged in Calgary, claims to be the only public figure of note in the entire country. 'You could make a case, maybe, for Rick Mercer,' mused Kumquat, 'But he never played for Eddie Shore, so he doesn't really count.'

'Why can't Canadian politics be more like my suits? Colorful and slightly outrageous.'

Given the revitalization and excitement now present in American politics, Kumquat's comments deserve attention. Canada can no longer wallow in numbing political boredom, beset on all sides by cutout public figures, small-minded backroom boys, and a voting public that would apparently prefer its politicians remain anonymous. Even those with limited hearing can surely hear the cry arise throughout the land - GIVE US MORE EXCITEMENT! MAKE US QUIT WISHING BARACK OBAMA WAS CANADIAN!

The cry was heard: a non-prophet think tank called HMMMM (How May Men Manage Misgovernment) centred in Summer Toad, Manitoba, convened hastily and drew up the following recommendations:

1) A new TV production - Canadian Political Idol - no party affiliation required. Aspiring political leaders audition before a panel of retired Senators (there must be some . . .) Singing talent is optional but acting talent is essential. Routines may include anything from Mel Brooks to Shakespeare and will be judged on their ability to flabbergast, revolt, and amuse. Winners will be treated to new wardrobes from Mark and Mary's Work Warehouse and Acme Masquerade and supplied with nomination papers for the riding of their choice.

2) Everyone in the next federal election will run as an independent. Those elected will be permitted to form ad-hoc parties in the House. Any criteria for finding common ground will be legitimate, including, but not limited to, astrological signs, 6 degrees of separation, shared childhood maladies, television viewing preferences, UFO experiences, and proficiency with cell phones. Rushing and Hazing will be encouraged. Cabinet ministers will be selected by improvised dress code.

3) Regardless - OK, irregardless - of party formations, voting on bills will be independent. To compensate, fist-fighting and unrestricted name calling will be allowed. Debate will be limited to 1 minute per speaker, maximum 4 speakers per motion. Attendance is mandatory. The Commons floor will be encase in a wire cage and misanthropic guards posted at all exits. Loudspeakers will exhort members to pummel and dis especially boring and/or stupid speakers.

4) Voting will be compulsory. Voting 'press gangs' will be formed and rewards given to the gangs that shanghai the most stay-at-home voters. Breaking and entering laws will be suspended while polling booths are open. Non-voters who evade the press gangs will be hunted down, sentenced to stuff themselves at a local all-you-can-eat buffet and then watch the latest Newfoundland seal hunt.

HMMMM is confident these measures will revive interest in Canada's moldering democracy. Current MP's are, of course, invited to participate.

RAD