DRIVELERATA

• I complained when I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no cell phone.

• The more you know a person the less likely you are to look unkindly on their choice of toques.

• You are what you eat. Unless, of course, what you eat contains MSG. Then you are slowly becoming someone else. Who, is anyone's guess, but hope it isn't Sarah Palin.

• Wisdom is much like eating salted peanuts. The more you have the more you have the urge to drink liquids that aren't good for you.

• You can lead a horse to water but you can't put a fish in a barn.

• The meek shall inherit the earth. My guess is they'll stop being meek then. So you have to wonder . . . . are they just being meek while waiting for the big payoff?

• Time and fortune wait for no man. Or is it 'Newman'? If it is, you might want to change your name.

• Avoid vexatious people. Who's kidding whom? They're everywhere, especially you.

• If life serves you lemons, make lemonade. If life serves you a summons, make yourself scarce.

• If your best friend runs off with your wife, congratulate him for taking up jogging.

• The most important thing in life is balance. The second most important thing is overdraft protection.

• If you can't count on your friends, count on your fingers.

• With age comes wisdom. That doesn't mean ALL children are stupid. Just many of them. Maybe everybody's but yours.

• I've seen clouds from both sides now. It's a LOT cheaper from the ground.

• From adversity we gain strength. From advertising we gain useless objects.

• I dreamed they held a war and nobody came. Fox news said they could fix that.

• One is the loneliest number. Two is company. Three is a crowd. Four is something we don't talk about in polite society. Five means there's probably a cameraman.

• Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. It's okay to curse dripping wax any time.

• I don't believe educated fleas can fall in love. They'll jump at the chance to do most anything but not that. On the other hand, they WILL join service clubs.

• If life is a river, bullshit and bad luck are tributaries.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; but mostly He just taketh away.