Alberta, I Cry For You

ALBERTA, I CRY FOR YOU

Dismal times are nothing new for practising democracies. Like wieners, we accept them without really wanting to know what goes into their makeup. In North America, democracy is practised with an ignorant electorate, a self-serving plutocracy of wealth, a compliant media, and, most discouraging of all, a feckless education system geared to providing that plutocracy with a steady supply of unquestioning drones. All this has been said before, of course, and to little effect.

But one jurisdiction excels above all others as a gathering of myopic souls totally undeserving of any right to vote. The jurisdiction is Alberta, a province of roughly 3 million people situated just north of Montana. It's a beautiful province, with the Rocky Mountains on the western edge, magnificent foothills leading away from the mountains, fertile farming and ranching country throughout most of the southern half and extensive forests and lakes in the northern half. It has much to be proud of.

But not its politics. When I was an undergraduate political science student at Spokane's Gonzaga University in 1962, the dean of the department, a Father Twohy, pestered me to bring any written material I could regarding the Social Credit party, at that time the party in power (for 27 years and counting) in Alberta. He was disappointed that I, who was born and raised in Alberta, knew so little about my governing party. All I could tell him was that my father had been a lifelong Liberal and summed up pretty much any discussion of the Social Credit party as a bunch of morons who were lucky to find oil. I knew this was something of an overstatement, him perhaps bitter from being trounced in a 1955 provincial election, and oil not being discovered until the SC had been in power for 12 years. There has to be more to them than that and here I was 20 years old before, at Father Twohy's insistence, beginning to examine the party more closely.

Not so easy. I uncovered all the old positional data concocted by Major C. H. Douglas, a stance he called 'Practical Christianity', a melange of marginal economic theory, monetary policy, and antiestablishment vitriol. This wasn't much help because the politics I saw being practiced in Alberta were, although distinctly fundamentalist in makeup, exceedingly orthodox (in the North American sense). I opposed them because of their religious views (fundamentalism can tear a community apart) but had to concede they weren't steering the ship of state into an iceberg.

Political theory was hard to come by in personal interviews. The general response was about as pragmatic as you could get - 'We'll try anything that works'.

Father Twohy shook his head. I think he was hoping for something more bizarre and the 'we'll try anything that works' summation could only leave him shaking his head. I told him how lopsided provincial elections were, how compliant our daily newspaper was (1955 headline - 'God Gave Us Ernest Manning', the then premier), how the government gave everyone 20 dollars in 1952, and how scandal of any type managed to elude the party in power. Father Twohy was unimpressed but I began to question just how our provincial government worked and how distant it seemed from public involvement.

The intervening 47 years have not been as enlightening as I might have hoped. The bare facts are that Social Credit was finally ousted in 1971 by the Progressive Conservative party which has ruled since -38 years (and counting) versus 36 years.

Here I sit, well over the age of retirement, an almost lifelong resident of a land I love and it's 'democratically-elected' government has changed ONCE. ONCE. Very few tyrants survive for over 30 years, much less one 'democratically-elected' government. Add to this astounding anomaly the equally indigestible fact that scandal has never rocked the current government. Oh, there was the little matter of a government-paid party house back in the 70's but that's it. Think for a moment what this means.

A government which, under the first-past-the-post system, garners considerably less than 50% of the vote, but with zealous gerrymandering controls over 70% of the seats in the legislature; presides over one the richest oil deposits on the planet (and has done so since 1947); campaigns on a platform that would be nonexistent if it weren't for the words 're-elect' and 'trust us'; habitually delivers a roster of mental midgets the like of which is seldom seen outside of a remedial math class; and yet, YET, has NEVER come under serious scrutiny for misconduct, malfeasance, misfeasance, conversion, dereliction of duty, or gross stupidity.

If you think that such a egregious abuse of democratic responsibility is impossible to fathom, we would agree. If you likewise accept that it all, nonetheless, is true, we also agree. But here we are. And the electorate, such as it is, shows no sign of maturing. I think I have some idea of how a parent must feel when a beloved child, for whatever reason, turns out badly. Your love is strong but the object of your love is so screwed up you have to look the other way. That's how I feel about Alberta.

So why are the voters of Alberta so lemming-like? Surely, this is the stuff of several doctoral theses, but are there one or two theories that might help? Perhaps, but every time I think I'm onto something, I contrast us with Saskatchewan and Manitoba and the theory dissolves. Like our populist background. An anti-east bias, born of decades of real and imagined slights emanating from Ottawa, Toronto, and Montreal, is surely an integral part of the Alberta mindset, one that led it to embrace nonmainstream ideas like Social Credit. Our brief and mainly untaught history, if nothing else, absolves the voter from any generational loyalty to old political affiliations. But these things are also true for the other two prairie provinces and they change their governments regularly. Why is Alberta unique? Maybe it is the oil. It surely is today, what with siege mentality surrounding the tar sands and pipelines. But isn't this too simplistic? Aahh, maybe that's the word - 'simplistic'. Maybe this whole subject is no more complicated than admitting the province is nothing more than a bunch of self-absorbed materialists, grubbing for next year's pickup truck and ATV and too 'busy' to consider either the future of this province or why they think the way they do. I hope not.

The Not-So-Elusive Moron

We're a tolerant society. We really are. We'll put up with almost anything, except common sense, wisdom, or vision.

Maybe it's time we practiced a little less tolerance and began to let people know that we think they're being silly/stupid/infantile/boring/thoughtless/shallow. Consider Davidson's First Law of Human Behavior - the odds are 3 to 1 that the next person you have to deal with will be a moron. This is an independent probability .

A moron? Well, this is a person who -

1. Will try to extract money from you, usually under some form of false pretense.

2. Will ignore you when you ask them a question.

3. Will assume you're only there to help them with their problems.

4. Will have developed their emotional senses from watching soap operas and their
prime-time emulators.

5. Last voted for the candidate with the nicest hair.

6. Will always leave a mess in a public washroom.

7. Firmly believes that his/her personal appearance is more important than their
mental health.

8. Is a civil servant without civility.

9. Believes reading Coles Notes is as good as reading the novel.

10. Like the mutated thieves they elect to public office, believe the only crime is
in getting caught.

11. Pull up to stop lights and empty their ashtray onto the street.

12. Don't think it's important that their children read.

13. Drive stupidly and have a preference for Chrysler products.

14. Slap their kids in the supermarket.

15. Think it's okay to tell a 14 year-old kid that he has no future in the sport
of his choice because he is too small.

16. Profess to like Garfield.

17. Think getting a degree is more important than learning.

18. Own a dog that needs to be chained up.

19. Walk store aisles as if they are the only person in the store.

20. Can't tell the difference between socialism for the rich and socialism for the
poor.

Morons cut across economic and educational lines. Their common thread is an amended aphorism of Socrates, 'The Unexamined Life IS Worth Living'. In Canada, they're likely to be glum boobs harboring grudges, while in the U.S. they will be aggressive dolts with an unnatural love of firearms and loud noises, usually their own voice.

So, the next time you encounter a moron (odds are it will be later today) let them know. Wear a smile as you try to enlighten them as it may well help to defuse their anger at being told something they knew in what passes for their hearts was true.

To a better day!

P.S. If, by some misfortune, you should find yourself guilty on one or more (four or more puts you in the congenital moron category and you probably can't be saved) of the above points, promise yourself to change and - like absolution at confession - you may proceed with a pure heart and with a new self-righteousness as your ally.

Rain Gods - James Lee Burke

How interesting to have my favorite 'crime' writer, James Lee Burke, pen a novel that eerily parallels a similar novel by my favorite 'serious' writer, Cormac McCarthy. The similarities between 'No Country for Old Men' and 'Rain Gods' are amazing - both are set in soutwest Texas; both have an especially spooky bad guy; both have a young couple (He of ex-military service) on the run; both have an aging sheriff exuding honor and experience; and both have an array of lowlifes that keep everything moving along.

I found myself imagining Mr. Burke announcing that if 'Mr. McCarthy is going to intrude on my field, I'll would show him how it's done'. Does he succeed? Yes and no.

Anyone who thinks they can imitate McCarthy is set to fail. No one can polish a sentence, create a mood, or spur the imagination like he can. He is, quite simply, the best writer in America. So, where does this leave James Lee Burke after he has written a 400-page novel that quite markedly echoes the earlier work by the master?

Well, not badly off, in my mind. Burke is a consummate story-teller with a love for flawed characters and the physical America. 'The Rain Gods' is an excellent read. I thought perhaps there were a few too many characters but this never impeded the flow of the story. His 'bad guy' is no Ghigurh, easily the most fearsome villain this reader has ever encountered, but the 'Preacher' is no slouch at spreading fear and loathing. Both writers understand man's depravity but Burke allows for a little more light at the end of the tunnel, fatal comeuppance the lot of those who would transgress against law-abiding citizens. Both can draw exquisite portraits of the country, small towns, seedy lives, and honorable people.

All in all, having a chance to read 'The Rain Gods' and 'No Country for Old Men' has to be a treat for any reader.

I will go further and suggest that it is time James Lee Burke is no longer referred to as a 'crime' writer but as one of America's great writers.

Bush Library

So George Bush has raised 100 million dollars for his presidential library. This so underlines the insanity of the modern economy that I am tempted to a) rob a bank, b) use the money to buy George's donor list and c) ask these wretched dupes if they wouldn't mind funding my latest pet project - a perpetual motion machine (it involves infinite gear reductins, neutrinos, gravity, and four teams of oxen). 2 billion dollars ought to do it.

Or perhaps I might use this list to track these donors down where they live and simply follow them around for a day or two, confident that anyone that careless with their money will surely be leaving a trail of unneeded $100 bills. Such folly has not been witnessed in this world since, . . . . .well, I guess it hasn't been that long,. . . . hint, hint, Madoff investors.

A huge question arises. Assuming such a library is built, what would they fill it with?

We've been told that Dubya's reading habits are nothing if not desultory and we have no trouble believing that. Still, rumor has it he still possesses the first book he was given at the tender age of 17, 'Little Black Sambo'. Told later that it was a most politically incorrect tome, he is said to have replied, 'But it was a gift from my greaser nanny!'

Bush has announced some of the volumes he will be donating adding that each one is made of paper. The list includes:

1) Crawford phone directory - 1979 through 1985
2) Men to Admire Series, volume 22, Peewee Herman
3) Dick and Jane Look For The G-spot
4) Rand McNally 'Backroads of El Paso'.
5) White Trash Cookbook
6) Hilroy Exercise Book (Lined) - 1 entry, dated Sept. 2, 1965 'Holy Sh - -, I'm
tired already .. . '
7) Your New Amana Refrigerator User Guide
8) Hekyll and Jekyll Fly to Poughkeepsie
9) The Wit and Wisdom of Gilligan
10) Dick Cheney's "Better to Blow Out The Candle AND Curse The Darkness"

Questions have arisen about the library's pretensions to mainstream bibliography. Bush spokesmen are adamant it will be no different from, say, the Bonner's Ferry General Library. Said one: "Patrons can borrow a book for two weeks. Any longer and a 10-cent-a-day fine kicks in. Run up too high a fine and we confiscate your passport and introduce you to a bench and a pail of water."

The library will have special sections for Dubya's favorite subjects: The History and Value of Wiretapping, The Ignoring of Civil Rights, Fourth Grade Spelling, and How to Conduct a Press Conference While Waving and Walking.

Finally, the ex-President hoped that history would judge him kindly but that 'it didn't really matter because I don't plan to read any books or papers anyway. I plan to spend MY retirement standing around looking stupid. I'm good at it, you know.'

So say we all.

Canadian Politics

So what about Canada? All the buzz and excitment of Obama's inauguration has completely eclipsed the Canuck political scene. Grade 11 students at Sudbury's What-This-Country-Needs-Is-A-Good-Nickel-Cigar High School were asked recently to name the Canadian Prime Minister. 32% said Ron McLean, 24% said they didn't know, 10% asked to be excused to attend to their beaver pelts, and rest offered up a variety of incorrect answers, including Robert Mugabe, David Beckham, Alan Greenspan, Valerie Pringle, and Sir Edmund Hillary. A surprising number (4) thought it was Delbert Feeney, a scallop-monger from Antigonish, resulting in 3 Ph.D candidates filing requests for grants to ascertain why. These students were considered representative, not only of the youth of Canada, but of the Senate, the Conference Board of Canada, all Rotary Clubs, and the Al Qaeda chapter in Helsinki.

Obviously, this is not a healthy situation. Canada has pretensions to becoming a practicing democracy and to have this kind of desultory attention paid to what might someday be an important station in Canadian political life, is, in words of the noted political analyst and hockey colorman, Danny Kumquat, a 'load of real discouraging moose turds'. Kumquat, recently appointed as honorary chair of the political science department at Slippery Otter School for the Intellectually Challenged in Calgary, claims to be the only public figure of note in the entire country. 'You could make a case, maybe, for Rick Mercer,' mused Kumquat, 'But he never played for Eddie Shore, so he doesn't really count.'

'Why can't Canadian politics be more like my suits? Colorful and slightly outrageous.'

Given the revitalization and excitement now present in American politics, Kumquat's comments deserve attention. Canada can no longer wallow in numbing political boredom, beset on all sides by cutout public figures, small-minded backroom boys, and a voting public that would apparently prefer its politicians remain anonymous. Even those with limited hearing can surely hear the cry arise throughout the land - GIVE US MORE EXCITEMENT! MAKE US QUIT WISHING BARACK OBAMA WAS CANADIAN!

The cry was heard: a non-prophet think tank called HMMMM (How May Men Manage Misgovernment) centred in Summer Toad, Manitoba, convened hastily and drew up the following recommendations:

1) A new TV production - Canadian Political Idol - no party affiliation required. Aspiring political leaders audition before a panel of retired Senators (there must be some . . .) Singing talent is optional but acting talent is essential. Routines may include anything from Mel Brooks to Shakespeare and will be judged on their ability to flabbergast, revolt, and amuse. Winners will be treated to new wardrobes from Mark and Mary's Work Warehouse and Acme Masquerade and supplied with nomination papers for the riding of their choice.

2) Everyone in the next federal election will run as an independent. Those elected will be permitted to form ad-hoc parties in the House. Any criteria for finding common ground will be legitimate, including, but not limited to, astrological signs, 6 degrees of separation, shared childhood maladies, television viewing preferences, UFO experiences, and proficiency with cell phones. Rushing and Hazing will be encouraged. Cabinet ministers will be selected by improvised dress code.

3) Regardless - OK, irregardless - of party formations, voting on bills will be independent. To compensate, fist-fighting and unrestricted name calling will be allowed. Debate will be limited to 1 minute per speaker, maximum 4 speakers per motion. Attendance is mandatory. The Commons floor will be encase in a wire cage and misanthropic guards posted at all exits. Loudspeakers will exhort members to pummel and dis especially boring and/or stupid speakers.

4) Voting will be compulsory. Voting 'press gangs' will be formed and rewards given to the gangs that shanghai the most stay-at-home voters. Breaking and entering laws will be suspended while polling booths are open. Non-voters who evade the press gangs will be hunted down, sentenced to stuff themselves at a local all-you-can-eat buffet and then watch the latest Newfoundland seal hunt.

HMMMM is confident these measures will revive interest in Canada's moldering democracy. Current MP's are, of course, invited to participate.

RAD

COOPERATION

I know it sounds naive, but would it be too much to ask, in this year of huge uncertainty, that the word cooperation be revived?

We've gone through four decades of swirling economics, bitter domestic antagonisms, disintegrating social structures, and grand theft, institutionalized theft, on a scale unprecedented in history. All this ignorance (both wilful and unintended) has left us now facing obstacles to our collective well-being that loom frighteningly in every home, every business, every church, every school, and, we hope, every university and secondary school.

It's difficult for anyone - anyone - to fathom the extent of damage done to the social and economic fabric of the U.S. Our presumed leadership - at all levels and all capacities - has been brutally exposed as a cadre of self-satisfied dolts and felons for whom we can only wish at least one blinding moment of self-awareness. Almost in despair, we cling to Barack Obama as a savior of sorts and, if nothing else, this is unfair. Given the level of leadership competition (think Bill Clinton charging $2500 a head to lecture on leadership - is it any wonder we're in this pickle?), it's understandable that we should hold out such hope in one man but perhaps we need to invest in a few new rules of thought if we are to rebuild, re-energize, and re-focus this country. Barack is going to need your help.

We could do worse than emphasize a spirit of cooperation. By that I mean finding a way to work together - much the way neighbors do during a crisis - to seek solutions and implement whatever measures are deemed to be positive. Positive in what way, you say?

If it's possible to render a few goals clearly, goals that are so basic, yet crucial, that no thinking person could disagree, then we can keep things simple and minimize the inevitable bickering that comes from a society that has spent far too long seeing the individual (ME!) as the only important consideration in life.

1. Everyone wants and needs a job that pays a decent (liveable) wage.

2. It's time we thought in terms of working with people, not for them.

3. Taxes can be fair and everyone must pay. It's the price of living without a chain around your leg.

4. Change is inevitable and not a bad thing. We ARE incredibly adaptable and actually take pleasure in achieving things we had not thought either possible or part of our lives.

5. The losers and abusers are in the minority. Let's stop worrying about their beyond-the-pale behavior and concentrate on recognizing the honest effort of most of people.

6. If something isn't working, scrap it and find something new.

7. Comprehensive health must be made available to everyone. And it must be affordable.

8. Government IS you. Don't let anyone tell you different.

I guess it all boils down to attitude and, without sounding pollyannish, we can, without destroying individual initiative, work together to rebuild our shattered nation. The time to jettison the nasty partisanship and smug selfishness is long overdue. One can still be a success without acting like Sammy Glick. We need to work with our governments at every level to scratch and fight our way back to hope and prosperity. It's a trite but true idea that Americans are both resilient and creative. Let's get working.

And, if some of what I've said smacks of socialism, then so be it. Socialism for the rich has been the hallmark of the past forty years. If you don't already know this, the big boys rarely, if ever, lift a finger to act unless there is a government incentive, grant, tax break, depletion allopwance, or backstop propping up their capitalist charade. It's time we spread our wealth around.

RAD

DAYS OF THE NEOCON

Where to now, neocons? Neocons (RNC) are being assailed even by their own!- aka Newt Gingrich and John McCain (okay, so maybe John’s not a card-carrying member, but neither did he tell the RNC strategists to shut up when he should have). Both Newt and John had an epiphany of rational thought or, more likely, held up fingers to see which way the wind was blowing. Whatever, it’s too early for the Neocons to panic: No need just yet to throw Karl Rove into a Baghdad slum (Hold the thought, though).

Neocons need to remember their code of non-ethics and hope that the wretched education system keeps feeding them a steady supply to illiterate idiots. That’s not a very nice thing to say, I realize. Especially when I acknowledge that my biggest complaint against Neocons is that they never argue ideas – they simply disparage their opponents – and here I am doing the very same thing. I admit to lowering my standards – but it’s so much FUN and feels so GOOD! So sue me. Wait, I was only kidding.

Anyway, this is basically a positive article. I’m urging the Neocon movement to be true to its roots, even if these roots are tangled up in septic tanks and polluted aquifers. Remember the code!

THE NEO-CON CODE OF NON-ETHICS

1) You don’t have to be a genius to become a neo-con. (Matter of fact . . . .)

2) There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, only ‘winners’ and ‘losers’.

3) Greed is NOT a four-letter word. Even a dog will overeat if given a chance. We want that chance.

4) If you really must go to college, major in business (maybe theology)

5) We believe in free markets. We believe in small government, especially for the small guy. We believe it for the big guy, too, of course, but sometimes the big guys (oil, mining, chemicals, manufacturing, finance, banking, and corporate farms) need a friendly boost, sometimes a friendly generous boost, especially when they fuck up.

6) We believe in the invisible hand of God in the marketplace, even if we can see He must have a really warped sense of humour. Still, it’s important to keep the fundamentalists in the fold (or ‘pack’, if you will).

7) If someone says something you disagree with, call him/her a ‘dirty commie traitor’, or ‘an un-American socialist’ and hint that you know someone in the FBI or RCMP.

8) The words, ‘commie’ and ‘socialist’, can be used indiscriminately but stay away from its close cousin ‘fascism’. This can be a sensitive area. It’s not important to know what any of those terms mean. They’re just labels, powerful labels, to be sure, and meant only to dismiss as un-American anything your opponent might have to say.

9) Be suspicious of science. What you don’t know CAN hurt you – maybe.

10) I Qf a God-fearing businessman or rancher insists that his/her welfare depends upon killing wildlife, uprooting forests, or polluting lakes and streams, back them up. Quite often, they know best, and arguing with them might well entail recruiting a scientist or two and that would never do.

11) Capital punishment isn’t perfect and accidents happen when everyone on the block owns an AK-47. But there’s much to be said about mistakes that can’t be corrected.

12) Above all, when a ‘little guy’ says ‘why can’t the government protect me and mine when we don’t have much money?’, take a moment, place a hand on each of his shoulders, look him square in the eye and, without laughing, say ‘The government is NOT your friend. Stick with us and WE’LL make you a ‘big guy’!’ As long as the education system stays as bad as it is, millions of ‘little guys’ will believe you. Trust in this.

11) Finally, it’s no sin not to listen. Except maybe to radio talk shows.

Soldier on, boys. Remember our motto: ‘When in doubt, shout!’